Having PTSD has taught me numerous and countless lessons in my life so far but the ones I have the most problems fixing or correcting seem like they should be the simplest to overcome. Remembering to eat, or that I’m hungry, forgetting to set out something for dinner, the piles of random items placed with the intentions of one day making it to their assigned designation, the forgotten medication, freshly washed laundry still in the machine two days after you started them; I could probably keep going, but just simple things I used to take for granted that seem like such a massive accomplishment now.

I know it gets annoying and is hard to live with. I’m reminded fairly often by multiple people, so it isn’t just one person that notices. How I’m late everywhere I need to be, I don’t communicate effectively, I don’t know what social barriers are acceptable to cross with new people, and I either end up intimidated and shutting down or freaking them out to the point that they just disappear. Shutting down and being numb are no strangers to me.I spent so many years that way because the few times I did try to talk about it at various times in my life, I’ve always been asked to stop when I brought it up. Was I sure? What responsibility did I place on myself for putting myself in that position? Did I try to fight? Why didn’t I tell anyone in charge? The would have, should have, could haves already consume me daily since they happened. They are not something I have never thought about. But they are absolutely things that I could not control because ultimately the responsibility comes down to the person committing the action. I thought being quiet was the only acceptable thing to do about my past because after talking to others about my experiences and their rejection, it was really the only way for me to survive.

This afternoon my husband was snippy as is pretty typical during the work week, and for the obvious aforementioned reason of lack of housework I already don’t get done being the main troublemaker. Anyhow, we were discussing things and he made a blunt statement, that no one wants to hear about my past, I’m a very boring person (I know I am a nerd, but I still think this one is debatable), and I guess now that I’m not instant messaging with others, all I want to do is spend time on Facebook or this blog. I get it, my past isn’t pretty, but it is what made me, me. How am I ever supposed to heal from past wounds if I’m never allowed to grieve them, let them out, accept them, rediscover the person that was left in the aftermath, and continue to attempt to live a fulfilling life if I keep shoving all of it down for only my brain to consume itself with?

It is hard for me to feel comfortable in many situations while trying to act like everything is fine on the outside but all I want to do is run and hide on the inside. I think I have to get out my  past troubles before I can get back to the basics of living the life that I desire. I hope by using this outlet as my means of healing, I will be able to make more meaningful connections with people in the future, that are fulfilling and nurturing on both ends. When people ask me why I think and feel the way I do about things that are so different from the views I held as a child, but then make no attempt to meet me where I am at presently in my life, it makes it really hard for me to answer them. I usually end up saying something to the effect of “the eyes can’t change what they have seen and the ears can’t un-hear the things they were told.” I can adapt my beliefs to fit my new world beliefs, but I cannot and I never will be the person I was before the Navy and I wouldn’t want to be. PTSD and all.

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2 thoughts on “Back to the basics

  1. I did not say “nobody wants to hear about your past”. I said everybody doesn’t want to hear your story, you need to pick your spots. Spilling your entire history, pouring your heart out, to some random person you’ve only known for a day was a poor idea. You need to make sure the person is worthy of hearing your story and is not gonna just take that energy and emotion you’ve given them and throw it in the garbage. Lots of people NEED to hear your story it’s important. For your growth and for theirs. I encourage you to share it. It was just a poor choice in that specific scenario. I love you and while yes, sometimes I am a cranky douche bag, I’d never want to stifle you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I thought the only way I could answer his questions was by explaining parts of my past. I can’t honestly answer something in simple steps anymore, I have complex reasons for my thoughts, behaviors, actions, and beliefs. Its ok, I understand, most people do not want to hear about the bad things that have happened to someone, but for those of us that have, and have not had very much social inclusion since my time in the military eleven years ago, its almost like I forget how to not be complex anymore. I’m not going to keep faulting myself for that though, I’m going to try to move forward in the most positive way I can, and if this blog is the result of that interaction, I am still going to consider it growth. Had this happened to me even a year ago it probably would have shut me down for who knows how long. At least in this instance it pushed me to do something I have been wanting and meaning to do for a very long time now. Maybe before I was too afraid to put myself out there, but I’m tired of hiding, and I want to do my best to make my life as happy and beneficial to me, you, and our children as I possibly can. I realize it was a poor decission to make, but we live and we learn. Who knows where things will go from here. From my experience, they usually tend to get better, I’m going to try my best to make sure they go that way anyhow. I love you.

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