I originally made this post at this time last year to my Facebook wall in an attempt to let go of some of the anger and resentment I continued to hold on to from the last time I was in an abusive relationship, which thankfully has been eleven years ago now. I haven’t written about these stories on here yet, but I felt it was important to reflect on where I was a year ago and to document where I am now. At this time last year the person that I wrote this poem about was on my no contact list. Although he is very much still a part of my life through family, I went for several years with no contact with him in an attempt to heal myself. From 2013 until this past August we did not share a word, and after some pressure from other family members who were not knowledgeable of our past began to pressure me to speak with him again, I decided I could compartmentalize enough to handle a person to person interaction if it were to manifest itself.
I started speaking with him again through Facebook messenger and by occasionally commenting on posts that I passed in my news feed. One day, right after Thanksgiving, which he did not attend, I commented on a post he made about how much simpler life was if one told the truth. I responded with “you don’t say ;)” in my attempt to show that our past was something I was working on healing. He took it the wrong way and deleted my comment which immediately triggered me into my past belief that nothing I say matters to anyone, my opinions, thoughts, dreams, etc. I asked him about it and we discussed it for a bit, and then he left the conversation with “we will talk about this soon.” We never did. I just decided he was never going to give me the validation I needed or wanted from him and I have not talked to him through messenger since. I do occasionally comment on posts I find relevant but I will no longer have emotionally charged conversations about our past.
I will never get the answers that I want.I do not know if it is because he cannot or does not want to give them to me, but that is out of my control. Just like my current situation with my friend and suddenly being blocked, I have done all I can do. I have reached out and said and made my peace. I have no idea if he has read it, I have no idea if he will ever respond to it, but it is absolutely no longer in my control. I am still working on becoming the person I am today, but everyday I get closer to knowing who she is. I learn more about myself, my behaviors, and why I choose to behave that way. I am absolutely not ashamed of my past anymore, and I do not have any more secrets to hide.
I have learned that my secrets are not ones that everyone wants to hear, and I never expected that they would be. I simply want those that want to be in my life to accept me for who I am, all of my battle scars, regardless of where they came from or who gave them to me. I spent my entire life trying to fit into the lives of others, and all I have ever gotten from that is misery. I want to continue to grow with my husband and family in whichever lessons life throws at us, and I want to keep moving forward with my goals and dreams. While I may not have “become” last year, I know that I am still working on becoming her, and so far, while I still make mistakes and have insecurities, I like her–a whole lot.
*The following was written last January 14, 2016
January 14, 2006 I walked away from what has thankfully been my last toxic and traumatic experience in my life. The next 7.5 years were fueled by self-medication, denial, and not really knowing why I thought and acted the way I did. When I finally started to understand that my experiences had greatly effected the person I always thought I was, I finally was able to ask for help. Since then, my life has gotten better. I am learning who I am and I am able to accept that had my past experiences never taken place, I would not be the person that I am today. If you or anyone you know are in an abusive relationship of any kind with anyone, please encourage them to ask for help.
I can honestly say that the longer you deny and hope that it all just goes away, it doesn’t until you work through it. It is hard, it sucks, but it feels a hell of a lot better than being stuck. I debated making this post because it exposes me and some of my past, but as of this time in my life I have decided that I can own my past, I don’t have to be embarrassed or ashamed, and I take my responsibility in creating whatever problems I created for myself and others, and I do what I can to be the best person possible.
This year my resolution was to not visit my past unless it was necessary for healing or growth and not denying my emotions when they arise. My goal this year is to face my intrusive thoughts and work through my traumas as I re-experience them instead of continuing to ignore them. Because of that I am sharing a poem I wrote. It is significant to me because the last time I wrote was when I was living in the above mentioned situation. It took me almost a decade to write anything for pleasure because I shut myself down for ten years of my life. I am ready to live again.
I Will Become
I see you; everywhere.
I erased you for so long.
Radiantly beaming; seemingly with ease.
Flashing the smile I used to long to see;
Strangely always a comfort.
The love you give and show now,
So effortlessly and free,
Stabs me to the core.
Like thorns from the decade old rose,
Unbelievably still in my possession.
The only symbol of beauty or love in which you did not destroy.
Hard, frail, dead;
The way you left me,
Huddled in a tearful mass on our apartment floor.
Memories constantly pulsing through me;
The good and bad torment my soul.
Electrifying, intense, impulsive; just as you were.
I miss you, I love you, but the person I love was only an illusion.
No heat, no phone, coins to survive; seeking death.
Abandoned by you, I had to save myself.
My control an attempt to resist your demands.
Your power, isolation, fear; my ultimate savior.
Betrayed; you took all I gave you, everything.
You left me with scraps of a life,
I will never know again.
Shocked and hopeless; my light smothered.
Broken, destroyed, weak; invisible.
Denial, trying to make the pain stop.
Cover it all up and bury it deep.
Exploding rage, grave mistakes;
A silent plea for help
Before deciding to overcome.
We will never be the same again.
You nauseate me, yet I grieve for you.
Frozen, paralyzed; numb.
Was it real?
Was any of it ever real?
So fooled by you and jaded by the rest;
Hopeful for a fresh start, but stabbed in the back,
Night, after night, after night.
Your evil; masked by my love and gullibility.
Lies, deceit, chaos;
I died a little bit each day.
Stomach growling; my heart devouring itself.
Curled in the red chair; alone.
I just wanted someone to love me, but I banished the true.
I had so much to give and share;
It was never wanted or appreciated;
Taken for granted.
You didn’t want me, but you didn’t want them to have me.
Lonely and miserable;
Always steadily idle.
Hoping for the slightest hint of affection;
But only able to give you what you wanted, until someone else offered more.
Discarded like the trash I ate for food.
My passion and intimacy stripped; raped emotionally.
My ability to know real love long forgotten;
I cannot feel.
I fight myself daily.
A chameleon in my own skin; hoping not to be revealed.
Judged, ridiculed, rejected again.
Sick of hurting.
Sick of thinking and re-thinking.
It’s all so stupid-you didn’t care, never did.
But why should I?
Why should I still care?
Because they tell me you’re different now;
You’re sober now; happy.
Rebuilt your life to your liking.
I’m choking and stumbling to make it through the day, and every day since I left you there.
Never even the slightest hint of an apology;
“Mutual partners in crime” was the stated belief.
You’ve been out of my life for so long, but I still hold on to every single memory.
Do I want to?
Is it because it is all I have left of you?
The thought of you invokes panic.
I wouldn’t know what to say to you.
I have nothing left to say.
You can’t torment me anymore.
I have to let you go; from my thoughts, my dreams, my life.
They are mine.
I can forgive you.
I can wish you happiness.
But I can no longer be a part of you.
“I’ll always have you,” you said, “You’ll be there forever, I already told you bye.”
Final words muttered to my desperate pleas.
Your anchors can’t drown me anymore.
I will heal my wounds and become;
A lover he deserves, a mother they hopefully cherish,
The person I desire to be, the dreamer I was.
The one I’ve been hiding for so long;
From myself, them, the world.
No longer ashamed.
I will rise above.
The names you made me believe, the lies you told, the fear you instilled;
The trust you stole, the loyalty you shattered; the hurt.
You never gave me your time.
Why do I keep giving you mine?
I will set myself free; I will become.