After ten years of being with my now husband, I never thought in a million years that I would be typing the words that my husband has had a vasectomy and yet I still am calling the Veterans Administration to inquire about birth control. I’m not cheating, I’m not even really having intercourse with anyone aside from my husband, but I did once.
He held my hand as it began, while another man carrassed my body and gave me multiple orgasms and then faded into the distance as I began to relax and enjoy myself. This had always been my husband’s fantasy, however after a decade of monoganomy I somehow never thought it would come to fruitation. At the beginning of our relationship he casually mentioned a poly type situation and then suggested we revisit it in ten years after seeing my reaction.
I was raised in a home that taught me that marriage was something special between a man a woman who loved one another and wanted to spend their lives together. I believed in fairy tales, and from the time I was a little girl, had always wanted to get married and have a family of my own. For my then boyfriend to suggest this type of interaction at that point in our relationship was completely out of the question; I was far to insecure.
Shortly after I moved in with Andy I became pregnant with our son. While we were both estatic to become parents, it was also very early in our second attempt at a relationship and we were just getting to know one another again after several years apart. We did the best we could with what we had and although our relationship began to suffer after the birth of our son, I never doubted that I loved Andy and wanted to spend my life with him. We eventually were transferred back to Northwest Arkansas after he had a falling out with his father and our relationship continued to decline.
I got a DWI one night shortly after learning that Andy had not forgotten our anniversary, but admitted he did not even know when it was. I had already begun to feel distant from him and I knew our relationship was just both of us going through the motions for our child. I finally re-enrolled in school to finish my bachelor’s degree and things started to improve a bit. During my senior semester, I was triggered by a classmates discussion on learned helplessness and rape and for the first time, went off publicly.
A few weeks later I went to the Veterans Administration for a Mental Heath evaluation and began to get treatment for my past abusive relationships and sexual assaults. In an effort to gain a better understanding of my sudden urge to write, Andy read my therapy binder. For the first time in my life someone knew my story, or at least the part that I had gotten out in that binder. As Andy began to understand the reasons I acted and believed the ways that I did, our relationship flourished.
We were married the next May although we mostly decided to do so for our son who wanted me to have his last name, and again our relationship continued to blossom. I gained a sense of security I had never had before and I began to trust that Andy really was going to be a part of my life for the long haul. We added a daughter to our family, bought a house, and are currently at the happiest and closest we have ever been at in our relationship.
In August I found out my first boyfriend was living near in an effort to get sober after many years of an opioid addiction. After asking my husband if he minded me spending time with my first boyfriend his response was simply “as long as I get to watch if you do anything.” Although it was said jokingly, I knew that Andy was not really joking and we both knew my first boyfriend would not be the person to fill that void in our relationship.I agreed that I was comfortable enough to start considering fullfilling his fantasy.
We joked on and off for several months and finally I allowed him to post a Craigslist add on New Year’s to see if it got any response. I was shocked when it did and immediately began to panic but still agreed to complete the deed if we found a compatible partner. We thought we had met a guy that would be a good fit but we ended up getting stood up twice and then blocked unexpectedly with no explanation.
After the first setback I was triggered for a couple of weeks. I felt vulnerable and exposed because I had been so open and honest in conversation with this man and then all of the sudden all contact was cut off. This serves as a huge trigger for me as is, but I was determined to not let this cause a backslide like I had in the past. We joined a local polyamorous Facebook group and decided we would attempt to begin meeting like minded people.
About a week after joining the group I responded to a comment on a post that led to a private message and the consequent opening of my marriage with Andy. We were all comfortable in the moment and jealousy was not an issue. The next morning we woke up in the same bed, still a married couple, but connected more so in a way that we never have been connected before. Our new friend left our home, and we decided to see where things will go; one day at a time.
In the week since our marriage has been open we have been rocked, stressed, and had life in general thrown at us. Instead of yelling and fighting our way through, we have been discussing and communicating about how we should proceed. We have become more attuned to each other’s needs and accepted that it is all right for us to have different interests and relationships independent of one another while still remaining completely faithful, committed, and loving to one another. I know the only way my husband isn’t coming home is if he is dead and vice versa, so why should we continue to make each other miserable being present in all of life if we are able to resolve our differences in a manner that is suitable to everyone envolved?
I still love my husband, in fact I love him more so now than I did at the beginning of our relationship when there were only the two of us. He has given me a life that I am able to love because he lets me be me and continues to adapt and change as I do. We both have wants and needs that neither of us can satisfy completely, and I feel this is true in all relationships and eventually causes their ultimate demise. We become ingrained in the belief that monogamy is the only right way to live our lives and raise our children in a healthy and happy manner.
The cognitive dissonance is often hard to overcome, but what I have learned so far has saved my relationship. It is not easier, it is not just fun sex or a fetish, it is a lifestyle, and it is a lifestyle that can be sustainable if all parties involved communicate in an open and honest manner. While we are new to this and making mistakes and learning, we have grown more so in the last six months than we did in the previous nine years of our relationship and I am estatic about growing closer to my husband and others throughout this process.