As of late I’ve done a lot of self reflection about the person I am. I evidently am a very hard person to live with as I’ve now heard it from both my brother and my husband. I’m constantly judging myself for my actions or lack thereof, but so are the others that are watching. Recently my husband told me before he read my therapy binder he thought I was an asshole and I didn’t care about him. To hear him say this five years after he read my binder allows me to know he must still feel like this often. He told me that he was very much considering ending our relationship.
I never felt that way back then, and to this day, I’ve never considered leaving my husband. Those words stung because to know five years ago that the father of your child was debating leaving when the thought had never crossed my mind left me spinning. If he felt that way then, what keeps him here now? I hope it’s love, it must be because I am not any better at accomplishing the tasks he wishes for me to complete. Dishes, laundry, cooking, cleaning that I never get around to and my piles drive him insane, but I do not think he realizes it drives me insane too. I used to work 40 hours a week, cook, and keep a spotless home before we had kids. Sometimes I think he forgets what kids take to live every day. I know I disappoint him and my children. I know our household is not traditional, my husband says there is no stability in my actions or routine.
I apply for jobs and do not get call backs, I attempt to do a job and I don’t do it good enough. I get told by family, “I don’t care if you work or not” but in the next breath “you don’t get something for nothing.” That I need to be taught how to stand on my own as an adult and stop relying on others to bail me out. I just wonder sometimes if they forget the numerous times they were helped throughout their life.
I do not ask for what I am given, and I appreciate it. Sometimes I wish others could see that I really do try. I don’t mean to forget to pull meat out of the freezer, or to not move the laundry over on purpose. I don’t mean to get frazzled and find myself doing three different chores at once. I try to concentrate so hard to remember to get it all done, but it never fails, and there is always someone disappointed about something.
If I could just stay awake and work for a day straight with no interruptions my house may get clean, I may have meals prepared, laundry folded, house cleaned and dusted. Then there is of course the other responsibilities that I lack in doing my best at. Feeling worthless sucks, feeling like a failure at everything you attempt sucks, being told to act like an adult when you’ve been one almost as long as you were a child sucks. But being told by your husband that you are difficult to live with five years prior to him almost walking out the door when the thought had never crossed your mind is worse than a slap in the face.
After I got my DWI I tried my best to fix myself for him and for our children. I still to this day try to fix myself to be a better person for them. I hope in the future my abilities to please my family will return, I hope one day my kids will understand even though I disappointed them and told them no to things I was never told “no” to, that I am trying my best. Everyday that I wake up, I try to be the best version of myself I can be. Sometimes my brain tells me inaccurate information, sometimes I get irrational beliefs or thoughts and get misguided, I may dissociate and remain distracted for hours at a time before snapping out of it. On any given day I may get tons of work or no work done, but I promise that I am doing the best I can to try to please and to be the best version of myself that I can be. I think that is all I can do.