Mom and dad divorced when I was five and thus began the upheaval of my security. We moved from a home I had known since birth to an old home across town. My insomnia started then, in the middle of kindergarten. I had always been extremely close to my father and I was confused as to why my parents wanted to live apart from one another. At the time I really do not think we were told why our parents divorced, just that it wasn’t our fault.
At some point we moved from the big house into my grandmas, Beebo, whom I was also exceptionally close to. I still didn’t sleep well but I did sleep easier being in her home. My mom had taken a job in Crossett and comutted each day until my kindergarten year was finished. That summer we left McGehee for good and started over on Pecan Street in Crossett, a little over an hour away.
I spent the summer making neighborhood friends and when it came time for the school year to start, was introduced to a girl that became one of my best friends. I was painfully shy and timid; my dad says I lost all of my self confidence after the divorce but I eventually grew out of always wanting to fit in and instead be my own person the older I got. My parents had arguments over custody often and my little brother began acting out for my mom and Beebo after the divorce. Shortly after we arrived in Crossett my mom began dating a man that would become my stepfather at the age of seven. He had no kids but always wanted them, so we also become very close throughout the years.
After my mom remarried, my parents seemed to fight more intensely over custody. I hated feeling like I was in the middle all of the time and I never understood why they could not get along. One evening I remember being sent to my room and the police showing up to talk to my parents. I had never been so scared in all of my life and I was afraid they would take my daddy away. Eventually things slowed down and feelings cooled and we returned to our normal custody arrangements; every other weekend, six weeks in the summer and alternating holidays.
I missed many parties and sleep overs, holidays celebrated on different days with different families, etc.because of our arrangements, but it was a part of my life. As I grew older my mother began to become unhappy in her relationship with my step father because of his drinking and lack of communication skills. She contemplated leaving him, but we convinced her not to as we loved him and did not want to deal with another divorce. Around that time my brother and I had been cleaning the house and found journals from our parents divorce.
The secrets we learned we kept to ourselves and went along with the story we had always been told, but never seemed like a good enough reason to me to end in divorce. I became leary of relationships because my Dad eventually remarried and drug abusing narcissist and divorced her when he found out about her infidelity. My mother has had her ups and downs and move in and move outs and divorce threats numerous times since being married to my step father and at one point was very close to starting a new life. I eventually learned the secrets and reasons my parents had divorced from the mouths of other relatives, and it honestly disillusioned me on monogamy and thus began my research on polyamory. Why remain miserable when a small change can make your relationship loving and more functional?
The unhealthy, but loving relationships I whitnessed in my youth lead me to become terrified of marriage and divorce, and I never wanted to put any children of mine through it unless it is unavoidable due to abuse. It was one reason my husband and I waited to get married after a six year monagonous relationship. We remained manogonus for four years after our marriage. My previous relationships had been traumatic or riddled with infidelity. I needed someone to love me and to show me that they were not going to go away.
We reached a point in our relationship that I now am comfortable with experimenting and secure that my husband will not leave me for another woman. If anything, this experience has taught me that by spending time with other people I actually miss my husband and value him for the attributes that he has to offer more so than I did when we were just dating. I appreciate the way he cares for and treats me instead of taking it for granted. In the time since we have opened our relationship we have grown closer than we have ever been before.
This relationship is based on trust, open and honest communication, and working through the negative and positive emotions on a daily basis. We have no intentional secrets between the two of us and we both are happier in our relationship now than we have ever been before. We both love each other deeply and have for seventeen years, this makes us better for our children, and our children see that their parents truly do only want the best for our family.
There are no wild parties, their home has remained the same with the hope of positive changes outweighing the negatives, and both of our children know we love them and each other with all of our hearts. We will always strive to be the best parents we can be for them and we will continue to work together as a team to raise them in the healthiest manner possible, and with their intrests at heart. Our only goal at this point in our relationship is to continue to grow together rather than apart, and so far we have been able to achieve that. I am very happy with myself and my life, even with the negatives, for the first time in fifteen years or more. I hope that more people can resolve to be open and honest in their communication with one another in an effort to remain united rather than drift apart.