Divorce on Tuesday; Couple’s Tattoos on Saturday

The last several weeks have been centered around chaos and turmoil in my home which has sadly kept me from my true intentions by allowing it to do so. After my crush decided he only wanted to be friends, my life began to really change drastically between my husband and myself. The night I got the news and wrote a blog about it and my husband was very triggered and we got a fight after a great night at our favorite bar. 

That night I told him his inability to allow me to do things with others outside of my relationship plutonically makes me miserable. He thought about it for a bit and then decided it would probably be better off if we ended our ten year relationship and got a divorce as he didn’t know if he could stop using his fear of abandonment against me. I stated that was not what I wanted, I wanted him to work on his emotions so that I could also continue to work on healing myself.

A few days later a family altercation on my birthday lead to a week’s worth of verbal abuse over social media between my husband and step brother, I quit my job as my grandmother’s caregiver, and my husband had a miniature melt down that slammed him with depression and self loathing. This lead to him getting a therapist through his health insurance and he has currently attended one session. Due to our fight with family, we missed our first marriage counseling session since December because we did not have a babysitter. I wish now we would have just taken our daughter with us as we cannot get back in again until mid June.

My husband returned to work as normal the next week and I had resumed talking  to my crush now friend fairly often since my birthday. He had an accident on an ATV in his front yard and sustained a concussion. After intially refusing to go to the hospital, he was acting strange for several days. He ended up having some personal issues as a result of his concussion symptoms​ and I had been checking in on him daily because I was genuinely worried about him.

This past Tuesday I asked my friend when an upcoming appointment was and he responded sometime in March. I asked if he meant March, 2018 and he responded “No, March of this year.” I told him that it was now April, 2017 and asked if he knew what day it was. He responded about his concussion and then I did not hear from him at all. I began to get frantic as I read some of the injuries that could form from a concussion and thought I should go check on him.

I knew from his description somewhere close to where I thought he lived and headed there as soon as I got my family fed at my husband’s suggestion. He asked me to just check on my friend and come home as soon as I could. I agreed to his request but soon disregarded it after my arrival and text messages kept coming every twenty minutes. I know my husband has social and anxiety issues, but after ten years of being back in his life and fully committed to him, my normal empathy for his feelings was replaced with anger.

I hadn’t seen my friend since around St. Patrick’s day or interacted with him in any flirtatious manner since the decision to be friends was made. I wanted to make sure my friend was really alright and in all honesty we probably had the best conversation we have ever had this far in our journey; except for my rising anxiety at the angry texts coming from my husband. I was incredibly irritated by this point and decided that if he didn’t trust me enough to even talk with someone I care about after all these years that he never really had and realized this happened every time I left the house for the most part.

I have never cheated on him, and I isolated myself for a decade because he would always have something negative to say about the people I choose to spend time with. When he comes along to something he is not interested in attending he makes me miserable by constantly sighing, rolling his eyes, or tapping his foot. If he stays home, he makes me miserable constantly texting me and demanding the attention still be placed on him by my rising anxiety to check my phone constantly in the hopes to not return home to a hurt or irrate husband. That night I got sick of walking on the eggshells and decided they cut too deep.

I returned home two and half hours after I left my home, admittedly at a very late time. My husband was asleep on the couch where he said he would be and I approached him to speak with him. He was madder than I had ever seen him in the seventeen years we have known one another. He asked me to get away from him because all he felt was betrayal and rage and he wanted to hit me for the first time ever, to cause me pain. He did say he did not really want to physically hit me nor would he hit me so I left and went to the bedroom.

The next morning he was very icy as he dressed for work and left with little to no interaction. We texted and fought all day long and when he got off work that afternoon we sat down and he told me he wanted a divorce. He said he would not be able to forgive me for my actions and that all trust and faith in me were gone. He was infuriated that as a mental health professional I had put another mans welfare before his and that I was unable to understand how far the depths of the feelings he had been holding inside really were. 

I was shocked and immediately started crying. I asked him to wait for a bit, to do more therapy, get a proper diagnosis, and perhaps start some medication before making a final decision about the fate of our relationship. We both agreed to work on things between now and the end of May and reasses where we are both at then. We both love each other tremendously, I would not have stayed with a man I did not love for a decade. I know that if we stay together or divorce I will always love him as a friend, father, and someone I know that will always genuinely love me back. 

We decided that we would continue to get our couples tattoos because of this reason and kept our appointment yesterday instead of cancelling as originally planned after Tuesdays events. I told my husband I no longer give him permission to read my messages but that I was not going to change my passwords. If he reads something now that he does not like, it will not be my responsibility to handle the emotions that arise for them. I will do the same in return and own my actions. This decision was made after stumbling on a post in a poly group in which most advised against this type of behavior in a healthy relationship, especially in a poly one. I also did this at his request to not vent about him to others I know after he stated that venting on my blog would even be better for him, and received this advice from multiple sources.

I need my husband to trust me when I spend time with plutonic friends or even others I love because without it, we have nothing. I need my husband to know that I am level headed enough to take care of myself and although I am still learning new boundaries, I’m stronger than I have ever been in every aspect of my life. I would not do anything to intentionally hurt anyone,  and I know I have areas to improve and my husband does as well. I’ve realized that even if my husband does not care for the people I care to have in my life, that is his problem.

I will continue to work with him on becoming more comfortable with me being away from him and check in, try to be honest as possible, and be realistic in my time frames to the best of my abilities. I would like for my husband in turn allow me the time and respect to do the things I enjoy with or without him, and without intimidating me with guilt or fear of conflict and the barage of negative comments about myself, my decisions, and my loves and intrests. 

In the past three weeks I am happier now than I have ever been simply because I know that I am healing, I’m not afraid to be alone, and I’m tired of living my life according to everyone else’s feelings. I will continue to put my husband and household before my free time, but I will start doing things I enjoy with people I enjoy being with and hope it works to a satisfactory compromise with my husband.

I do not know if my husband has been checking my messages at this point, but I also no longer care as I never had a reason to hide in the first place and I still do not. It feels strange that the week your husband tells you he wants a divorce is the same week you get a couple’s tattoo and write about how you still feel happy about your life, but it is the life I live. I do love my husband, and if he choose to leave, I would be lying to say it wouldn’t be reluctantly on my part. 

He is my best friend and support system, he is the one that has gotten me through the pits and cracks our traumas have caused us and always stood by my side. I know we are very different from one another and it takes so much work for me and him to remain together, but so far it has been worth it and I’m committed to continue working on it until we determine what is truly best for us and our children. I hope he feels the same and that we are able to overcome the obstacles placed in front of us.


My Poly Response So Far 

Mom and dad divorced when I was five and thus began the upheaval of my security. We moved from a home I had known since birth to an old home across town. My insomnia started then, in the middle of kindergarten. I had always been extremely close to my father and I was confused as to why my parents wanted to live apart from one another. At the time I really do not think we were told why our parents divorced, just that it wasn’t our fault.

At some point we moved from the big house into my grandmas, Beebo, whom I was also exceptionally close to. I still didn’t sleep well but I did sleep easier being in her home. My mom had taken a job in Crossett and comutted each day until my kindergarten year was finished. That summer we left McGehee for good and started over on Pecan Street in Crossett, a little over an hour away.

I spent the summer making neighborhood friends and when it came time for the school year to start, was introduced to a girl that became one of my best friends. I was painfully shy and timid; my dad says I lost all of my self confidence after the divorce but I eventually grew out of always wanting to fit in and instead be my own person the older I got. My parents had arguments over custody often and my little brother began acting out for my mom and Beebo after the divorce. Shortly after we arrived in Crossett my mom began dating a man that would become my stepfather at the age of seven. He had no kids but always wanted them, so we also become very close throughout the years.

After my mom remarried, my parents seemed to fight more intensely over custody. I hated feeling like I was in the middle all of the time and I never understood why they could not get along. One evening I remember being sent to my room and the police showing up to talk to my parents. I had never been so scared in all of my life and I was afraid they would take my daddy away. Eventually things slowed down and feelings cooled and we returned to our normal custody arrangements; every other weekend, six weeks in the summer and alternating holidays.

I missed many parties and sleep overs, holidays celebrated on different days with different families, etc.because of our arrangements, but it was a part of my life. As I grew older my mother began to become unhappy in her relationship with my step father because of his drinking and lack of communication skills. She contemplated leaving him, but we convinced her not to as we loved him and did not want to deal with another divorce. Around that time my brother and I had been cleaning the house and found journals from our parents divorce.

The secrets we learned we kept to ourselves and went along with the story we had always been told, but never seemed like a good enough reason to me to end in divorce. I became leary of relationships because my Dad eventually remarried and drug abusing narcissist and divorced her when he found out about her infidelity​. My mother has had her ups and downs and move in and move outs and divorce threats numerous times since being married to my step father and at one point was very close to starting a new life. I eventually learned the secrets and reasons my parents had divorced from the mouths of other relatives, and it honestly disillusioned me on monogamy and thus began my research on polyamory. Why remain miserable when a small change can make your relationship loving and more functional?

The unhealthy, but loving relationships I whitnessed in my youth lead me to become terrified of marriage and divorce, and I never wanted to put any children of mine through it unless it is unavoidable due to abuse. It was one reason my husband and I waited to get married after a six year monagonous relationship. We remained manogonus for four years after our marriage. My previous relationships had been traumatic or riddled with infidelity. I needed someone to love me and to show me that they were not going to go away. 

We reached a point in our relationship that I now am comfortable with experimenting and secure that my husband will not leave me for another woman. If anything, this experience has taught me that by spending time with other people I actually miss my husband and value him for the attributes that he has to offer more so than I did when we were just dating. I appreciate the way he cares for and treats me instead of taking it for granted. In the time since we have opened our relationship we have grown closer than we have ever been before.

This relationship is based on trust, open and honest communication, and working through the negative and positive emotions on a daily basis. We have no intentional secrets between the two of us and we both are happier in our relationship now than we have ever been before. We both love each other deeply and have for seventeen years, this makes us better for our children, and our children see that their parents truly do only want the best for our family. 

There are no wild parties, their home has remained the same with the hope of  positive changes outweighing the negatives, and both of our children know we love them and each other with all of our hearts. We will always strive to be the best parents we can be for them and we will continue to work together as a team to raise them in the healthiest manner possible, and with their intrests at heart. Our only goal at this point in our relationship is to continue to grow together rather than apart, and so far we have been able to achieve that. I am very happy with myself and my life, even with the negatives, for the first time in fifteen years or more. I hope that more people can resolve to be open and honest in their communication with one another in an effort to remain united rather than drift apart.